Amsterdam and the Things That Are Different

Everyone loves a listicle, especially now most of us are confined to our homes with plenty of time to peruse mindless media. On this note, I have recently finished all seasons of Sugar Rush, including the Christmas and sugar sculpting specials. If anyone has any recommendations for a colourful show that requires minimal cognitive commitment, please let me know.

One of the best parts about moving is the emotional roller coaster that accompanies the discovery of new things that are better or worse than what you are used to. Here's a list of things in Amsterdam that are different. 

1. Bike Stuff. Everyone knows Amsterdam is all about bikes. What I didn't know is that the city is covered in a comprehensive network of pink bike paths (fietspaden!) that sometimes run independently of the roads. These paths have mysterious rules that I learn on the go when people yell at me for breaking them. Unlike TO or NZ, drivers in Amsterdam treat cyclists with the reverence of a North Korean general who knows one misstep will result in him being blown up in front of an audience in the national stadium. That is to say, cars stop, reverse for, and certainly do not beep at cyclists. I assume the mass execution of drivers who break the rules will take place on one of the national holidays. 

Fietspaden aren't just for bikes! Teeny cars and scooters are also allowed. 

2. Amazon sucks. Amazon NL is clearly not run by the same people who run Amazon in Canada. I ordered eight things and all but two were delivered separately, some not on the promised date. Further, a negative review I wrote for a crappy yoga mat was deleted! Those bastards. 

3. I suck. A key lesson I learned from moving to TO was to check the climate of your exact destination prior to making a decision. After applying for my Canadian visa, I discovered that like the planet Mars, TO reaches temperatures of -40C. [Side note - this is a pretty fair situation to wish upon your worst enemy as its extremely miserable but won't kill them so long as they have the right equipment.] Standing in an art museum in Haarlem looking at paintings of frozen Dutch landscapes, I realised I had yet again not gone far enough to research the climate, having relied simply on word of mouth that NL "doesn't get that cold". 

Also at the art museum, an ancient cat picture. 

4. The municipality of Amsterdam does not suck. Take note bureaucrats! We had an appointment. We were seen at the exact time of our appointment. There was free coffee. A week later we got our residency cards. We were even given a welcome swag bag that included an actual hard cover book about living in Amsterdam and a miniature rubber ducky.

5. Everyone is fit. This fitness is encouraged by a consistent sprinkling of indoor gyms, outdoor gyms and very cool kids playgrounds across the city. In the evening, it is common to see group exercise classes outside schools and in other public areas. I guess everyone's got to work off that cheese somehow!

Oh the places you'll go...our closest playground. 

6. The giant head-band thing outside the KFC near our apartment. Push the button and it will blast the word "FREEZE" followed by music so loud and repetitive that everyone even remotely in the vicinity will know what you have done and resent you. This is actually a game of musical chairs for kids. 

More hygienic than a ballpit, but also more disruptive. 

7. Cool birds. The bird game in Amsterdam is strong. Of particular note are the disconcertingly intelligent crows, the fat woodpigeons (not quite as round or fancy as the NZ version, but definitely related), and the green parrots that can be heard before they are seen due to their constant bickering. 

Top Bird in Amsterdam: The Urban Heron, apx. 1m tall. These things are terrifying. Here is one Eric and I saw eating a rat.

8. Swear words are mean. Dutch swear words revolve around either accusing someone of having, or wishing upon them, serious ancient illnesses such as cancer, tuberculosis, or polio. I haven't heard anyone swear yet, though my Dutch is terrible so its very possible I just missed it. I look forward to learning more about this. 

9. Foodstuffs. Cheese! Precious cheese, pastries, and fries. These have all come at the cost of salt and vinegar chips. That's right! There are no salt and vinegar chips. I ask not for sympathy; my sorrows can be drowned in €3 bottles of French wine. However, I will be stocking up if I ever get to the UK. 

Bonus pic: The Cathedral of St Bavo, Harlaam (a city 20mins from Amsterdam), featuring a massive organ that Mozart played as a 10yo. This picture shows half the length of the building. Fun Fact: The floor was entirely made from gravestones, presumably with bodies underneath them. 

The Troubles and Moving to Amsterdam

In Feb this year Eric and I set off on our merry way from Toronto to Amsterdam via Costa Rica, Panama, New Zealand, Thailand (N/A) and Sri Lanka (also N/A). With all the optimism of 90s kids in a developed nation, we voluntarily left our jobs, sold most of our stuff, and put anything that wasn't related to a tropical holiday in a box to be stored in a friend's cupboard. 

Ha! Look at those happy fools. Our eyes even seem shinier. 

Then came The Troubles and we became trapped in New Zealand for five months. I'd just like to take a moment here to acknowledge how fucked up most of our lives have become. It's also necessary to call out how privileged we were to be:

1. In a country with an effective government and residents that care about each other;

2.  Surrounded by friends and family (particularly mum who housed our sorry-yet-now-typical-living-at-home-millennial selves); and

3. Not single. The horror. According to a friend on the front line, there is at least one guy on earth who thinks he can prove to women he is corona-free by demonstrating his organized bike shed.

Post-lockdown govt. compliant family get together in Wellington.

After a few months it became pretty clear that Eric and I could not both live and work in NZ, so we booked very expensive plane tickets and went to Amsterdam. To be fair, there were cheaper tickets but those involved transiting through LAX. Despite my constant complaining over the past few months, and even if the euthanasia referendum had already passed in NZ, I'm not ready to sign off yet. (Side note - I cannot stress enough how much I despise LAX. It was either designed by retired government bureaucrats, or the world's top consulting firm with the specific goal of making travel as miserable and difficult as possible. Any incompetence displayed by staff could only result in a better customer experience.)

Quality time with Mr Nom Nom Cat in Auckland; the pleasure was entirely ours. 

If you ever get sick of thinking about Corona-related stressors, I would advise moving internationally. This will provide you with a whole new set of urgent issues to think about such as "is my passport definitely still in the front pouch of my backpack?", "what does this mean in English?" and "how will I pay for these groceries when my Canadian card won't work here and there is no ATM nearby?!". If these don't take your mind off the international crisis then the classic "how can I secure a lease by setting up an auto deposit from a bank account, if I can't set up a bank account until I have a permanent address?!?!" should do the trick. I haven't thought seriously about dying in days, and I've been too busy to worry about the long term impacts of The Troubles on my life. 

Stuff! Precious Stuff!!!!!! Finally reunited after 6 months. I will never claim not to be a stuff person again. 

Ten days into living in Amsterdam, we have bikes and are already on our fourth package of cheese. More to come!